Quotes by Richard Jeni

Richard Jeni

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people’s freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

Hypocrite

Yelling

Yoga

A bunch of money-grubbin’, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Gay

Hypocrite

Running

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!

Aliens

America

Twenties

Animals are happier than humans because they’re like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Animal

Littles

Live In The Moment

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Eight

Guy

Years

Choosing to have a child you can’t take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it’s everyone else’s problem.

Care

Children

Problem

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Chairs

Doubt

Jobs

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Divorce

Fifty

Looks

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Regret

Tattoo

Thinking

I don’t get that – people going to war over religion. I don’t know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

People

Revenge

War

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Aliens

America

Angel

Animal

Average

Average Person

Bathroom

Beach

Belief

Believe

Bird

Birth Control

Bleeding

Broke

Cameras

Care

Careers

Carrots

Catholic

Chairs

Children

Choices

Cloning

Country

Couple

Death

Differences

Divorce

Doctors

Doors

Doubt

Dream

Each Day

Eight

Epidemics

Example

Eye

Feet

Fifty

Fighting

Fire

Firsts

Flying

Football

Funny

Gay

Girl

Giving

Gun

Guy

The Future Blueprint

Tool

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

Tool

The Autobiography

Tool

The Behaviour Diary

Tool

The Dating Diary

Tool

The Relationship Therapist

Tool

Quotes by Richard Jeni

Richard Jeni

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people’s freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

A bunch of money-grubbin’, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!

Animals are happier than humans because they’re like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Choosing to have a child you can’t take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it’s everyone else’s problem.

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

I don’t get that – people going to war over religion. I don’t know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

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Topics by Richard Jeni

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The Future Blueprint

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

The Autobiography

The Behaviour Diary

The Dating Diary

The Relationship Therapist

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