Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created.

Funny

Humor

Stupid

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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Bags

Beef

Sleep

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A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, “Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!”

Dog

Funny

Humor

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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.

Funny

Humor

Land

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A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he’s afflicted, but I’m not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I’d get all mad. “Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.”

Funny

Humor

Men

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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”

Funny

Humor

Men

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A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Funny

Humor

Lollipop

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A lot of bands have intense names, like “Rigor Mortis” or “Mortuary”. We weren’t that intense, we called ourselves “Injured”. Later on we changed it to “Acapella” when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

Funny

Humor

Rigor Mortis

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A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’ll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, ‘Do you have coke in a glass harmonica …Do you have individually wrapped cashews’

Funny

Glasses

Humor

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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Feet

Stockings

Ultimate

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