Quotes by Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that’s Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

Fun

Islands

Turkeys

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According to statistics, it’s a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don’t hear from your relatives.

Lightning

Statistics

Winning

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Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Adults

Children

Doe

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Air Canada. That’s a good name for a Canadian airline.

Air

Canada

Names

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Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You’re going to get rapped – by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass – if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don’t care who. You can’t make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

Cat

Doctors

Dog

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An oxymoron? What’s that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

Oxford

Oxymoron

Study

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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Humorous

New York

Taken

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As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don’t like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

Hate

Organization

Taken

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As long as I don’t commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you’re welcome to think whatever you want about me.

Judging

Long

Thinking

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As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Awards

Four

Two

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