Quotes by Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers

“I wouldn’t go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say ‘Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'”

Fashion

Real

Underwear

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“I’ve learned what’s funny verbally ain’t so funny on e-mail: They don’t hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: “That was a joke!” But he just didn’t get it. Mick Jagger said, “F- ’em if they don’t get the joke.” And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it’s their problem, not mine.”

Humor

I Love Him

Knowing

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[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: ‘Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

Fall

Stuff

Trying

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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn’t get this nose until I was thirty-four.

Four

Grandchildren

Noses

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A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

Children

Hot

Memorable

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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.

Eggs

Mother

Years

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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

Oxymoron

Sense Of Humor

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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”

Race

Running

Vegas

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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

Funny

Hilarious

Mistake

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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

Dog

Two

Years

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