Quotes by Emo Philips

Emo Philips

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

Hate

Race

Real

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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

Funny

Grandfather

Humor

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Ambiguity — the Devil’s volleyball.

Funny

Humor

Volleyball

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Anger punishes the bearer’s heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Heart

Morning

Order

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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Funny

Glasses

Humor

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Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can’t help but rush your timing.

Crowds

Helping

Might

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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

Hair

School

Team

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Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples… you don’t have to shout into them!

Cells

Dog

Phones

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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

Artist

Laughter

Men

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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

Computer

Intelligent

Thinking

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