Quotes by Bill Engvall

Bill Engvall

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

Condom

Rubber

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

Bridges

Car

Hands

And don’t put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

Hands

Heaven

Rose

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

Funny

Humor

Rooms

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.

Gutters

Honey

Light

God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.

Daughter

Growing Up

Men

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

Hard

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!

Doors

Home

Rain

I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’

Believe

Life Sucks

Pain

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

Believe

Distance

Fun

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Baby

Bed

Believe

Bridges

Bus

Bus Driver

California

Car

Climbs

Coffee

Color

Condom

Dad

Daughter

Distance

Doctors

Doe

Doors

Dork

Drunk

Fun

Funny

Gay

Getting Older

Girl

Greed

Growing Up

Gutters

Guy

Hamburgers

Hands

Hard

Hate

Heart

Heaven

Hell

Helping Others

Home

Honey

House

Humor

Hunger Strike

Hunters

Invention

Iphone

Jumping

Keys

Kids

Life Sucks

Light

The Future Blueprint

Tool

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

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The Autobiography

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The Behaviour Diary

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The Dating Diary

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The Relationship Therapist

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Quotes by Bill Engvall

Bill Engvall

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

And don’t put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

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Topics by Bill Engvall

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The Future Blueprint

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

The Autobiography

The Behaviour Diary

The Dating Diary

The Relationship Therapist

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