Quotes by Arj Barker

Arj Barker

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

Complicated

Intelligent

Needs

Anybody see ‘Cop Land’? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.

Home

Land

Way

Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. ‘Everybody get outta here! There’s a swarm of bees coming!’ What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.

Pace

Shoes

Today

Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that’s why Google has such an attitude. Because it’s so popular, it’s conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? ‘Um, did you mean…?

Attitude

Conceited

Mean

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.

Believe

Home

Running

I could’ve enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad – say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea – it was a paradise. It was a smoker’s paradise: ‘They’re taking my lung out next week. I don’t know why. Doctor thinks maybe I’m brushing my teeth too often, but I can’t help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey’s ass.

Doctors

Next Week

Thinking

I couldn’t get away with Halloween pranks ’cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big ‘ole brown eggs. Like, you didn’t have to be a detective to figure it out. ‘Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?

Block

Dream

Halloween

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn’t get hurt.

Bed

Hurt

Night

I know that most domesticated animals aren’t indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! ‘Cause this is America and around here – Katmandon’t.

Animal

Cat

Country

I never thought I’d be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The ’80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.

Comedian

Comedy

Growing Up

Follow The Behaviour University in order to get the greatest quotes from the greatest people of all time so that you can tap into your own greatness.

Alzheimer's

Animal

Apples

Attitude

Baby

Band

Bed

Believe

Block

Built

Cat

Cities

Comedian

Comedy

Communication

Complicated

Conceited

Country

Dirty

Discovery

Doctors

Dream

Gay

Giants

Growing Up

Guy

Halloween

Heart

Home

Hurt

Intelligent

Kids

Land

Loyalty

Math

Mean

Military

Motor Vehicles

Needs

Next Week

Night

Pace

Party

People

Real

Rocks

Running

Secret

Shoes

Tea

The Future Blueprint

Tool

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

Tool

The Autobiography

Tool

The Behaviour Diary

Tool

The Dating Diary

Tool

The Relationship Therapist

Tool

Quotes by Arj Barker

Arj Barker

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

Anybody see ‘Cop Land’? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.

Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that’s why Google has such an attitude. Because it’s so popular, it’s conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? ‘Um, did you mean…?

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn’t get hurt.

I know that most domesticated animals aren’t indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! ‘Cause this is America and around here – Katmandon’t.

I never thought I’d be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The ’80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.

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Topics by Arj Barker

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The Future Blueprint

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

The Autobiography

The Behaviour Diary

The Dating Diary

The Relationship Therapist

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